Today is an open topic and I’ll be touching base on something I’ll expand on in a later post. At first, I had no idea what i wanted to write about for today until I woke up and dreaded washing diapers today. It wasn’t because it’s time consuming, because it’s actually pretty quick. It wasn’t because drying takes forever, because it really doesn’t take long at all. But it was because I miss my old diapers and miss the convince for throwing them in the washing machine and dryer and letting the machines do all the work.
That’s when it hit me, this is what the challenge is really about. Many families struggle to provide diapers for their children and for some hand washing is the only way to provide diapers for their children. One of the purposes of this challenge was to show using cloth diapers can be easily done without a washing machine or dryer and that it could be done on a budget. As much as I love this challenge and what I am learning, I can’t wait for next week when we can get back to our other diapers and wash routine! If you have any questions feel free to leave them in the comments below.
For months now, I have been going back and forth on this blog post. I would type out what I wanted to say or what I was feeling only to delete it. I would read other blogs about mothers struggling with postpartum depression (PPD) and think they are so strong to be able to write about what they are feeling. It has been 9 months of fighting my PPD/PPA and I’m still extremely nervous to make this post public and talk about my struggle with PPD.
When Mackenzie was born, it was the most amazing feeling ever. We were finally parents. Everything we hoped, wished, and prayed for finally came true as we held this little girl in our arms. The next few weeks were a blur but I could feel myself getting more and more agitated and upset with every little thing. I spent most of my days crying for no reason and wondering what was wrong with me. I would stay in bed all day just nursing Mackenzie and only getting up to change her diaper. Every day I was falling deeper and deeper into a hole and I was so unsure of how to dig my way out of it. I heard about baby blues and thought “Okay that’s what I have and this will just pass.” But that wasn’t the case, at least not for me. I went to my 6 week postpartum check up and filled out the questionnaire about how I was feeling and even before this I just knew what I was going through wasn’t normal. I could have lied and said everything was great but I knew it wasn’t and I knew I needed help. I was finally admitting to myself and other that I had postpartum depression. I was diagnosed with PPD and given a few options on ways to help treat it. One of those options was medication and with my midwife we agreed this would be the best start for me. I have since been off the medication for many months now but some days are still extremely difficult for me.
Looking back at pictures and videos from when Mackenzie was first born or those first few weeks is still hard for me. There are some things I just don’t remember about her birth and coming home. There are things my mind has blocked out. Many of those early days were a blur. Sometimes I can look at the picture and remember what was going on that day but other times it’s a blank.
If you know someone who has recently had a baby, please reach out to them. Even if you are just checking to see how they are doing. I struggle with my PPD alone and it was very hard. My support system was very limited and not having anyone to talk to or relate to made it more difficult for me to find my village. I am so lucky I had my wife there by my side every step of the way. She was and will always be my number one supporter and without her by my side I don’t know how I would have made it through everything. I am very lucky I was able to get the help I needed and can enjoy Mackenzie was enjoy her growing up. She is my entire world and I would do anything for her which makes writing this post even more important to me. I want others to know they are not alone, they do not have to go through motherhood or parenthood alone, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes asking for help will be the strongest thing you will ever do. I plan on writing more about PPD in the future but in the meantime I will leave some resources below but I am always available to talk.
A nurse had to keep massaging my uterus and blood was still gushing out. I ended up with a ton of stitches and lost over 500 cc of blood but did not need a transfusion thankfully. Every time I moved or they massaged my uterus I bleed like crazy. It took over two hours for the midwife to stop the bleeding and stitch me up. Once the bleeding was somewhat under control I was able to sit up and really look at Skylar and she was perfect. I was able to breastfeed her and she latched on right away. I was in the delivery room until 6 pm that night then moved to a regular room. I was checked for bleeding every 30 minutes until 1 am when the bleeding finally stopped gushing when they pushed on my uterus.
There are other things about the birth that I left out part way because I don’t really remember where they fit into the day and part way because I blocked them out.
One of those things was I remember screaming and crying so much and my wife was by my head and she had to step away because of the amount of pain I was in. I remember hearing her crying because she didn’t know how to help me. I remember my mom crying while I was screaming and begging for the pain to be over. I remember feeling like I was being torn in half. I remember crying so much not knowing if our daughter was going to survive. I remember how relieved and excited everyone sounds the second she came out. I remember saying over and over again that she was so small when I first saw her. I remember turning her over on me and saying she’s still a girl. This is a day I will never forget.
Not much has happened in the past week but I still wanted to do an update. I’ve been very busy with school and we are getting ready for another move (thank you Army!). We are very excited to be leaving Hawaii early but it’s bittersweet. Since we found out about our move we hit a few road blocks. I’ll be have my pregnancy care from November-March in Florida and then for the last month we’ll be in Tennessee.
When we found out about our move I research the laws there for us both being on the baby’s birth certificate and what we need to do for my wife to adopt. Right now, she cannot be on the birth certificate but the JAG lawyers will do the step parent adoption paperwork for us after the baby is born. Then once that goes through, she will be on the birth certificate. Even if she could be on the birth certificate when the baby is born we would still need to do the adoption but technically she would have zero legal rights over our child. It was very stressful trying to figure that all out but I’m so glad we got it done now.
My new due date is April 27, 2016! I got in next week for my NT scan and then a few days later I have my normal doctor appointment. This means we get to see our baby twice next week! If they can’t tell us the sex of the baby at my NT scan we’ll be going the following week to an elective ultrasound place to find out. Since my wife will be missing a few months of the pregnancy she wants to know what we are having. We still have our guesses but I know she’ll be happy to know for sure! Either way we are so excited to find out what we’re having.
My class ends this week and I only have two more assignments until I’m done but then my next class starts right up next Monday. I’m tired of doing papers and projects all the time but I know getting my Master’s degree will be worth it in the end.
That’s all I have for this week but I’ll post some bump pictures and another update after my NT scan. If anyone has any questions, leave them in the comments and I’ll be sure to answer them when I have time! I post a lot more baby stuff on my instagram if anyone is interested in see more updated pictures and posts you can check them out there!
11 weeks and your moms can’t wait to meet you little one
My wife take my bump pictures and this was my favorite outtake from this week!
Two moms and a baby👩👩👧
I’m so excited that we finally announced our pregnancy to social media! The response has been overwhelming to say the least. Everyone is so happy and excited for us. I was not expecting the responses we got but I am so happy. It feels so great to be able to post all our ultrasound pictures and post about our baby!
I’m hoping for an easy few weeks until I go back to my doctor’s again to check on the baby and see how the cyst is doing haha.